atma | Entries tagged with essay

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a knight.

How many posts have I started with this line the past year or so? Far too many. All posts about me and about some aspect of life and self have started with this line. It was a story, a personal one, but one so relevant to life and society as a whole that it had to be shared. Parts of me nobody knew about were bared because they had to be to make a point. To stop others from going down my path and learning things before I ever had the chance to myself. To rant and vent.

But that story ends today. Today we're going to talk about the most core part of me and the most embarrassing thing to admit. It's also the most misunderstood part of me. But we're going to air this out, because it's the end and like hell I'm going to end this series of posts I've done without a bang.

We're talking chivalry. That magic word that throws so many off in so many ways. We're settling this here and now.

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I just read all of Fate/Stay Night in about 8 or 9 sittings. It took a bit over a week. I lost a lot of sleep because I got so wrapped up in it but it was worth it. It was a game/story I was told to avoid for years by idiots who misjudged my taste and people giving me misinformation about it. It's only thanks to a few good friends that told me the truth that I read it.

No. It's not quite that. It's that I was told by them that it was a story I needed to read. There's these two characters in it, the protagonist Shirou and some dude in red named Archer. Shirou is a young romanticized idealist. He wants to literally be a superhero when he grows up. Archer, however, sees this as folly; heroes don't exist as they do in stories and this kid is an idiot and he is going to set him straight or kill him trying. I was told I had parts of both in me, that their narrative and arc was my own.

So instead of a formal review of the game, I'm going to instead write an introspective piece. If you don't want spoilers or don't want tl;dr about heroism in the modern age then stop here. This is not an easy post to write and it will not be an easy one to read. There will be tears and frustration forged into this. It's a story about me not many know but all should hear at last. If you back out now I won't blame you. Otherwise, you can read on.

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It's dawned on me that I've never thrown my hat into the ring and weighed in on one of the touchiest subjects of modern gaming. One I actually do have a very strong opinion on and thanks to everyone getting PS Vitas and buying Persona 4 Golden, now's a perfect time to bring it up because fuck if it doesn't annoy me too.

Yes, this is going to be a Naoto post. Yes, we're going to talk about gender. No, it will probably be different than you expect. Please read through the whole thing before you judge.

I'd like to think I could shed some light on where the "Naoto is trans/genderqueer" theory comes from and why it's so popular, and not in a "tumblr just wants a token minority to fawn over and overprotect without actually getting it" sort of way.

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If you've known me for even a day, you'll know that, as a kid, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a knight.

Toy swords and shields were taken everywhere. I officially adopted the code of chivalry when I was 10. I went by Sir and not Princess. I did everything one possibly could to be a knight or warrior in a modern era. I even considered joining the Marines for a while as a kid. (Though with how history went for women and gays in the American military I am glad I changed my mind.) I've identified by a warrior's and protector's mindset more than I have any other aspect of me ever. Not how creative I am. Not how gay and flirtatious I am. Not how well I can cook or speak or read or write. It was this and this alone I used to majorly define myself.

The only thing that was missing was an actual degree in fighting and etiquette. You know, stuff that would actually help me accomplish this dream.

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When I am famous...

...Please write fanfic. Please draw fanart. Please make dubstep concept albums only your stoned raver mom would like. I don't care how good or bad it is, just do it. Bonus points for porn doujins with anatomy errors.

...Please cosplay my creations. Be it professionally done or a closet cosplay, please do it and then act IC at cons and feel not embarrassed.

...Please ship things. Anything. Everything. Non-canon especially. Make them have sordid hidden affairs that only a 14 year old would find romantic and you'll laugh at yourself for when you grow up but for now it is the best thing.

...Please get into heated debate about the stupidest and most problematic shit. Bonus points if it's on tumblr or some other easy-to-incite site.

...Please defend the villains and criticize the heroes.

...Please come up to me at cons and have me autograph anything, be it a copy of my book or some fan thing you made or your left tit. Ask me anything and tell me about your feelings. If you want to email me or twitter me or whatever is the big social media then, please don't hesitate to ramble at me. Please ask me to make you something. For free.

...Please make stupid crossovers and write self-insert fic and Mary Sues. I need AUs. Give me fansites filled with fic about it all. And then cosplay your own self-insert AU babies.

...Please have gross sobbing and feels and JGSJGFUIEWGFUIWE I CAN'T followed y 78 GIFs of hollywood actors hugging each other and squeeing. Please deadcat and flopcat emote.

...Please play them in panfandom RP or create them in MMOs or whatnot. I want to see some good usernames, people!

...Please cry. Please laugh. Please be angry, confused, nauseated, anything.

...Please hate it all too and hope I never create again if you're so inclined.

The only thing I will say no to is you not enjoying yourself. Remember how you felt going through your favorite things and doing similar stuff for them. Remember every time you defended your favorites or stayed up until 4 am making the best friends you ever will have just because you like the same stuff.

Because chances are, I will be at least as happy as you are that I was able to make you feel this inspired and entertained.

I won't know I've made it and made it worthy if all I get are some snobby canon elitists mucking about on hidden corners of blogging sites. It's only when I see the smiles or tears or rage on all your faces doing this will I know I succeeded.

I wanted to grow up to be a knight.

I swear I will stop using this as an opening line. Someday. But that one simple sentence and desire has shaped so much of me and my life that it may as well be the first thing I say to everyone I ever meet.

"Hi, I'm Atma, I'm a knight." Or swordsman. Or samurai. Or warrior. Any of it would be equally true, it'd just evoke a slightly different mental image. Any way you slice it, you'd think of me as someone in armor with a weapon. Or at worst, you'd visualize a Monty Python joke. I can live with that. Though sadly, that's not what most people envision when I mention my interest in any of these, so really, I best keep my trap shut.

Why? They see someone long since out of touch with reality and the modern world.

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I wanted to grow up to be a knight.

Stop me if you've heard this one before. Before I continue, I suggest you read that post if you haven't. It deals with the need for good role models, especially queer ones, super especially for kids. However, today I'll be exploring the other side of this; what happens when you see someone who reflects you a bit too hard. Not a role model as in someone you strive to never be, but a mirror showing you at your worst.

It also deals with my own self-loathing and depression, my own flaws. But as I glorify heroes, so I should also count our flaws. Fiction is powerful; undeniably so. Sometimes, though, the marks it carves in us bleed like wounds and heal up poorly, leaving but an ugly scar on us.

This is a deeply personal, depressive post talking about self-harm, anger, rages, and other possibly triggering material. Also contains some spoilers for Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

Let's expose my wounds.

( I couldn't protect anyone... )

I'm replaying Xenosaga. Mostly for the benefit of my girlfriend who's been growing more and more curious about the RPG genre as a whole (she never got into it much before now and is relying on me to show her a lot and talk to her about why I enjoy it), but it's also part of an ongoing, months long effort to re-examine my biggest fictional influences. Most of my current RP hiatus is spent studying my roots as a creator and doing a lot of writing. It's been cathartic. I've rediscovered the Lunar games, re-watched some of the Slayers, am looking back at old books and planning on other games and shows like Rozen Maiden and FF6 and maybe some Suikoden. A lot of stuff has crept into my own writing over the years and it's fun seeing exactly where all this may have come from.

We're not far along, we just started the other day, but it's bringing back a lot of memories. Good and bad ones. It's the game with the most history for me, both as the game itself and the fandom/hatedom surrounding it.

It's also going to be used as a case study for how media can influence someone and what any series can wind up meaning for anyone. It's not so much an essay on Xenosaga itself, but more of a essay on influences that just so happens to be using Xenosaga.

(And before I continue, let's not turn this into a Xenogears vs Xenosaga debate. Both sides need to lay this argument to sleep. It is one of the most legendary unsolved internet debates and will probably remain unsolved and I am not here to damn anything or anyone. I find it perfectly feasible to live enjoying both or at least agreeing to disagree. As I said, this is about influences, not me critically examining the series, though wile I'd like to at some point in time, that time is not now. Anyone attempting this argument now will be ignored right out. I don't care which side you're on, either.)

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I wanted to grow up to be a knight.

For as far back as I can remember, that is what I wanted to grow up to be and nobody was going to stop me. Nobody told me to do this. At least, not anyone in my family or any friends I had. Heroes did, though. I would read book after book of grand tales of those in shining, polished armor, holding mighty blades, slaying foul beasts, saving damsels. I was given Dungeons and Dragons material at age 5 and while I couldn't fully understand how to play it then, it started my career as a worldbuilder, character creator, and my habits of self-inserting into any setting I found to get a better understanding of it. Video games like Dragon Quest let me name the protagonist after me and I could see me saving the day and killing things and gaining legendary equipment. In some universe, it was me, and they actually were hailing me as a hero.

I don't know if it's because of stories like that, games like that, if it was what I was meant to be should fate exist in any way, something else entirely, some combo of these things, or none of the above, but dammit, I was going to be a knight. I picked up many toy swords and shields and played with them far beyond an age I really should have. These ideals shape me even now and I have lived my life trying to be whatever the real modern world equivalent of this can be and always will. It's what I am.

I'm also gay. And nobody told me that was what I should be, either. The sad difference is I had no heroes to show me this.

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