atma | Entries tagged with personal

Stray Kat Strut: How Senran Kagura Helped Me Come to Terms With My Lesbianism and its Messy Past
AKA "Long Live The Queen"

Done for LGBT Pride 2k17

SUMMARY: An 8k word essay on what Katsuragi means to me as a lesbian starving for representation

CONTENT WARNING: This is a very personal post and will contain some mild NSFW/TMI elements as well as mentions of suicide. It mentions a gender binary at times, even if the author personally believes it to be a spectrum or range. Some minor slurs are used. Proceed at your own discretion.

( Holy shit, I'm a lesbian )

Once upon a time, as the legends pass down, there was a girl who wanted nothing more in life than to grow up and be a knight, like the heroes she read and heard of in stories short and long since the day she was born. Before she could read herself or could attend school to learn, she knew that she would like to grow up to use a sword and save the day and the girl, too.

( Read on )

For anyone still around reading this journal (I know there's a few of you, anonymous or not. I love you all.) I have started up a help group comm of sorts anyone is free to join/follow/make use of. It mostly pulls form AA and NA literature, but I post my own interpretations of it and whatever it makes me think of as I read it. A lot of it sounds almost the same as what I hear at the dojo and in our own literature/history as well. If you're not an alcoholic or addict, a lot of it is still very good life advice and easily 90-95% of it can apply to anyone suffering form anything, even if it's just mild depression or a sense of not belonging. The rest can be re-worded to fit your situation. A few people liked it on IRC when I mentioned I read these books and asked for some examples when they felt like they needed a thought to think on, and I am using this as a repository.

You don't have to post or comment on any of it, but it is there for you or anyone you know who may need a kind word now and again. I try to post it around midnight PST/-8 GMT, except on days when I'm sick or busy, but I will always make up for it as soon as I can. We have almost a month's worth of entries to peruse now and I'm open to suggestions for daily inspirational sources. I'm thinking of adding my own martial arts philosophy and such to it soon.

It's at

atmaholics

Fiddlers (n) - Local jargon/Boontling for Delerium Tremens

This post is a retrospective on my first year of alcoholism and addiction and recovery. This is/was not an easy post to write. I hope by sharing what has occurred to me in the past year that I may potentially save even one other person out there. If I can, then what I went through was absolutely worth it.

Graphic and gross depictions of various health and addiction issues are detailed here, so proceed with caution, but without them I cannot express the dangers of this disease accurately, and in that I would not be able to warn others sufficiently as to what will happen to you too if you should find yourself in this situation.

( It began July 1st 2015 )

The one year anniversary of my first and most serious hospitalization with alcohol poisoning/delerium tremens is coming up on July 1st. A lot of my personal entries since, what scant few there have been, have been almost entirely dedicated to my saga with handling this, or mishandling, my alcoholism. It's only now that I can fully admit to myself that I am, indeed, a full blown, dyed in the wool, genuine, detox center hugging capital a Alcoholic have I begun to understand myself or begin any kind of healing process. It runs in the family. I was doomed, genetically, and am glad my sole sibling, my younger brother, hates the taste of almost all alcohol, guaranteeing almost that he will never get it and that I am the one stuck with it.

( keep coming back )

This post does not come easy, but people deserve honesty, and they deserve cautionary tales.

People remember last July I was hospitalized a week with legit alcohol withdrawal/delerium tremens. I almost lost everything due to it, and did my best to live sober.

It doesn't work.

I wound up in the hospital again for drinking and having to go to a detox/rehab center for 72 hour observation. So long as I agree to attempt outpatient treatment (like AA meetings or similar) I don't have to do the full 30 day inpatient treatment. Which is good, because that place is a living nightmare. It's more of a drunk tank, not a medical facility. They made us wear scrubs, we had to be preapproved to shower, and they were prison showers, all we would do is watch pre-approved shitty movies, eat, clean up the place to earn another movie, eat, repeat the cleaning process, then movies til midnight and then you got to read only donated books, most of which are romance novels of religious AA lit. Either that or you could sleep on the shittiest bed in the coldest bedroom and simultaneously be so hot and so cold at once that why bother. The movies were all like dudebro action shit and Adam Sandler movies so all I did was cry a lot in my bed over guilt and pray.

They also don't believe in giving out meds unless you're sent in with a prescription, not aspirin, not stomach meds, not sinus spray, no matter how much you need it. I was on librium, a benzo, three times a day and an anti-nausea as needed. I couldn't eat most of the food since the menu was pre-made and beef or cream heavy.

I almost lost Koshka. I made it back just a day before she would have left. Almost 6 years down the drain. I owe my gods a lot.

Alcoholism is extremely hereditary and most of my family has fallen prey to it. Transmom is proof you can recover and stay recovered, but she learned the hard way, through a stroke, a 90 day jailtime detox and a 30 day inpatient treatment at the same lousy place I was at. She said that's where I'm headed next if I keep it up.

I'll find ways to stay sober. I have to. I have options, at least.

And mostly all I have to remember is it's not worth a shot to almost lose or lose everything.

Please don't drink, guys, or if you do, be very cautious. Don't go away like I almost did.

It's been two and a half months since I almost accidentally killed myself. I've been sober since; it's actually a lot easier to avoid alcohol than I thought it would be. Even walking by it at the store, especially in giant cheap plastic containers, makes me physically retch and reel and want to vomit. Now and again I miss beer with dinner but otherwise the pros of being sober far far far outweigh any potential jonesing to break it would cost me in the end.

Life is back to as close to normal as it could be. My moms have accepted me fully into their household once again and tell me stories of their own addictions and rehabs and it makes me feel somewhat okay again. We're renovating the house and I'm learning how to grow medicinal marijuana. I'm back at the dojo, reading more, and eating healthier. It's interesting.

However, I've become far, far more jaded and cynical as a result. I'm still mostly idealistic, but my ability to tolerate bullshit is at an all time low, and it's usually pretty low to begin with. I'm picking a lot more internet fights but while they're worthy causes usually I'm still being very aggressive and putting myself in the front. I find I care less and less about how others perceive me and my worth, what other peoples' problems are, and my tolerance for people in general is flipping on and off. I have a lot of residual guilt and it shows up in random bursts and manifests now and again as severe suicidal thoughts, so it's probably normal I'm taking it out on the world, and on myself mentally for putting everyone through that. Not healthy no, but normal.

It's going to have to be my new normal. Someday I may ease up on all this but there's also a chance what I did screwed myself up so much that this is a more permanent change is a bigger dose of apathy into my daily routine. All I can do is keep on keeping on and trying to stay constructive and distracted. I don't talk about it in public much outside of venting now and again like this, and I probably won't want to talk about it in public or in private for some time; please let me have this. I won't die or kill myself (it's my birthday next month I at least need to become old first before I die), I promise, but for a while don't be surprised if some days I just hole up with my girlfriend and sleep a lot as I try to reset myself. It could be a year or so for the more immediate symptoms to go away, but I could be stuck with some mental issues and guilt over it forever, if what my moms says is true. I just have to be better than it.

Getting used to me not caring about others and humanity in general as much as I used to is going to suck. It does suck now. I just want to fucking slap everyone and tell them their problems don't matter; not in a mean way but in a "don't waste your life like I almost did mine" way. Shut up, stop whining, you can make it. I'm still alive, for whatever godsforsaken reason that is, so I'm gonna make the most of it and you can too, and you didn't even have to be the one having a near death experience for it.

So what I'm saying is world, if I appear to be a bigger asshole than I've ever been, or am hiding from my usual internet hideout spots, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.

Okay, it's sometimes you, it can be a lot of you, but it's going to have to be me that deals with it.

Gods, I really fucking hate alcohol right now.

I just want it to be noted that last late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning, I went into a fit of alcohol withdrawal/minor delirium tremens for no goddamn good reason and nearly drank myself to death simply because I was bored.

I was taken away by ambulance at 4 am and in the hospital until mid Sunday and pumped so full of Ativan that they didn't taper me off of that I had a panic attack/benzo crash this Tuesday night and had to stay with my Moms until last night.

Most of all the withdrawal symptoms are either gone or under control now, save my messed up sleep schedule/inability to stay asleep more than a few hours and a sometimes elevated heart rate. I also have to walk with a cane for a while.

I don't know why I did it. I may never know. Alcoholism runs in the family and many people in our family have done what I just did and wound up near death multiple times. I was a fucking idiot who almost lost it all and came home to find only sympathy. I fucking suck, I may never touch alcohol again in my life and I am perfectly okay with this, and I've been told I need to cut back on the self pity because everyone is tired of hearing me ask why nobody wants to stone me to death over this.

I'm lucky I have insurance.

Please fucking watch your booze intake, everyone. Be way more careful with your life, your boredom, and your everything than I was, and fucking talk to your family before it's too late. Find out if you have alcoholism or an addictive personality. Please. Let my near death experience teach you this.

I just want this post as a reminder to my own idiocy so I can look back someday and sigh.

On top of that, we all have to move soon since our landlady is selling our property. Cali law will let us squat on the lease until April if needed but we want out ASAP. I will be living with my moms again, who are closeby and much closer to my dojo, but it's not gonna be fun cleaning up and packing in my condition. The cats will be safe with me.

This is going to be a long, exhausting July.

Today I want to talk about my gender. It's not exactly something easy to talk about online now with how tumblr and other sites keep appropriating it into shit like Transkorean or Transautistic or what the hell ever imaginary problem they have now. But fuck that, I think it's something important to talk about now.

( read more )

Atma(n) - n : A Hindu and Buddhist concept referring to the true nature of one's self. One's own essence. The real you that lies beyond comparing yourself to others.

The past few years I've been really busy trying to sort myself out as a person. There were a lot of unsavory catalysts for it and I realized I had to change if I wanted to be who I claimed I was and if I wanted to salvage any dignity or anything good about myself. I'm very nearly done with this and am doing a lot better nowadays. What helped is posting and ranting about my life and perspective as it started evolving. This is just a list of those posts for reference; I'm told they were interesting to read and helped others sort themselves out or give them closure in their own lives as well.

Take away whatever you like from it. I just hope it prevents someone from being as dumb as I once was or turning into what I am now.

( read on )

Last time I posted, I said it was going to be the last time I made one of those huge, rambling introspective posts about my life and who I am and how I got here and such.

I lied. You have one more.

I never explained how I got here. I don't know how many people have noticed this, but I tend to rarely if ever bring up my past. For years, I was embarrassed and hurt and ashamed of it and couldn't stop wishing I could have done more to stop what happened then or how much I was to blame, but then I grew up and no longer hold myself at fault. I'm pissed it all happened, but the shame is gone.

We're going to talk a lot about my childhood. And teen years. And early adult years. I'm going to be as honest and open about this as possible. And it's going to be long and uncomfortable, but nobody else in my life is going to give me closure on all this but me. Even if nobody else ever reads this, I finally got it out and can move on after this for good. I don't care who believes me or how much of it they believe, this is for me to write and vent with and hopefully to prevent the same happening to anyone else.

I don't even know what content or trigger warnings to give this. There's going to be talk of dysfunctional families, abuse, neglect, shitty school systems, drugs, crime, gender and sexuality bullshit, suicidal thoughts, prison, and all sorts of other shit. If any of that is going to upset you, don't read this and just know I'm okay now and will be okay from now on.

Otherwise, here we go.

( read more )

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be a knight.

How many posts have I started with this line the past year or so? Far too many. All posts about me and about some aspect of life and self have started with this line. It was a story, a personal one, but one so relevant to life and society as a whole that it had to be shared. Parts of me nobody knew about were bared because they had to be to make a point. To stop others from going down my path and learning things before I ever had the chance to myself. To rant and vent.

But that story ends today. Today we're going to talk about the most core part of me and the most embarrassing thing to admit. It's also the most misunderstood part of me. But we're going to air this out, because it's the end and like hell I'm going to end this series of posts I've done without a bang.

We're talking chivalry. That magic word that throws so many off in so many ways. We're settling this here and now.

( read more )