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I wanted to grow up to be a knight.
For as far back as I can remember, that is what I wanted to grow up to be and nobody was going to stop me. Nobody told me to do this. At least, not anyone in my family or any friends I had. Heroes did, though. I would read book after book of grand tales of those in shining, polished armor, holding mighty blades, slaying foul beasts, saving damsels. I was given Dungeons and Dragons material at age 5 and while I couldn't fully understand how to play it then, it started my career as a worldbuilder, character creator, and my habits of self-inserting into any setting I found to get a better understanding of it. Video games like Dragon Quest let me name the protagonist after me and I could see me saving the day and killing things and gaining legendary equipment. In some universe, it was me, and they actually were hailing me as a hero.
I don't know if it's because of stories like that, games like that, if it was what I was meant to be should fate exist in any way, something else entirely, some combo of these things, or none of the above, but dammit, I was going to be a knight. I picked up many toy swords and shields and played with them far beyond an age I really should have. These ideals shape me even now and I have lived my life trying to be whatever the real modern world equivalent of this can be and always will. It's what I am.
I'm also gay. And nobody told me that was what I should be, either. The sad difference is I had no heroes to show me this.
Almost all the heroes I read about were men. Named or generic or otherwise. The ones I played as in games were almost all predominantly male. This was problematic for a while, as it lead me to believe I, as a woman, had no place playing hero or knight and that I can't rescue damsels. It wasn't until I was at least ten or so and really started discovering media with characters that reflected what I wanted to be, and even then, it was hard to come by. It still can be.
It wasn't until I played games like Final Fantasy 6 did I see Terra and Celes. They gave me purpose again. So I could be a knight after all? I could be a hero and strong and kill beasts and save and protect what's important to me? I read the Enchanted Forest Chronicles a lot back then. You mean a princess can refuse her royal duty and be what she wants to be after all and go on quests even then? Holy shit, this was a revelation. I have room in this world after all!
There was still one problem though.
There were feelings in me, actions I was performing, things I was saying I did not recognize what they were. I was still young and oh so confused. Why did I want to protect and save women so much? Why did I want to dance with Celes, have her sing to me, and marry her? Why did I want to take a wife and not a husband? Women like men, right? And so, I forced myself for a while to try to act that way and be that way. After all, all the women I saw being heroes still were either single or had male love interests. Is that the only way I could be a lady knight?
Yeah, subtext exists in a lot of things, but you can't expect a kid, no matter how smart I could be, to pick up on that for years to come. I needed more blatant messages; I was still young. How much heartache and confusion and self-loathing would I have been spared if Celes and Terra's vague talks about finding love had been more blatant and they hugged, or even boldly kissed? Probably a lot. Not all of it, but it would have been so diminished that I'd have come to terms with my sexuality and attractions much sooner and much more completely.
It's not just me, either. There are kids, countless numbers of them, who feel homosexual or bisexual attractions or maybe even transgender right from the get go, or sometime before or after puberty. Just as cisgender and heterosexual people feel it from the get go and get cute kid crushes growing up, so do we. So did I. In 5th grade, I read up on the concept of knightly chivalry and decided I would adopt it. Why? To impress a girl in my class I only now recognize as me having had a crush on. I was too timid then to put it into action, but you see people of all shades doing such things to impress each other at a young age romantically. Once we get past the concept of cooties, we all act the same. It would have been nice to know and recognize what I was feeling and that it was okay.
But my heroes couldn't tell me that. Not as they were. It's not their fault. I'm sure if they could tell me themselves that it would be okay, they would have, but they're not real and could only show me as much as they could. What they did tell me I am forever grateful for. And if I am this grateful as an adult for the influences I had as a toddler or child, think of what it could do had some of them been queer in some way. And even if the kid didn't grow up on the queer spectrum, they'd at least gain a tolerance of people who are.
Heroes and role models and grand quests are important to anyone, regardless of source or genre. They shape most of us more than we think. I'm sure if you think long and hard about it, you'd come up with similar stories. I know why I do what I do is rooted in decisions made when I could first read.
So next time you find someone arguing against queer characters in media, especially children's media, ask them about their role models. What if they never had them? They'd be floundering trying to figure ourselves out still, and it'd be horrible to feel. I shouldn't have had to have waited until I was an adult to have this sorted; nobody should.
And now that I fully understand what it is Little Squire Atma wanted all her life growing up, I must live by it. And that includes taking a wife instead of a husband. She wouldn't want it any other way, and neither would I. I will be her hero and a hero for others regardless of whom or what they are so they can grow up with less struggle than I did. It's how a hero acts and what they're supposed to do.
I can't disappoint her now.
For as far back as I can remember, that is what I wanted to grow up to be and nobody was going to stop me. Nobody told me to do this. At least, not anyone in my family or any friends I had. Heroes did, though. I would read book after book of grand tales of those in shining, polished armor, holding mighty blades, slaying foul beasts, saving damsels. I was given Dungeons and Dragons material at age 5 and while I couldn't fully understand how to play it then, it started my career as a worldbuilder, character creator, and my habits of self-inserting into any setting I found to get a better understanding of it. Video games like Dragon Quest let me name the protagonist after me and I could see me saving the day and killing things and gaining legendary equipment. In some universe, it was me, and they actually were hailing me as a hero.
I don't know if it's because of stories like that, games like that, if it was what I was meant to be should fate exist in any way, something else entirely, some combo of these things, or none of the above, but dammit, I was going to be a knight. I picked up many toy swords and shields and played with them far beyond an age I really should have. These ideals shape me even now and I have lived my life trying to be whatever the real modern world equivalent of this can be and always will. It's what I am.
I'm also gay. And nobody told me that was what I should be, either. The sad difference is I had no heroes to show me this.
Almost all the heroes I read about were men. Named or generic or otherwise. The ones I played as in games were almost all predominantly male. This was problematic for a while, as it lead me to believe I, as a woman, had no place playing hero or knight and that I can't rescue damsels. It wasn't until I was at least ten or so and really started discovering media with characters that reflected what I wanted to be, and even then, it was hard to come by. It still can be.
It wasn't until I played games like Final Fantasy 6 did I see Terra and Celes. They gave me purpose again. So I could be a knight after all? I could be a hero and strong and kill beasts and save and protect what's important to me? I read the Enchanted Forest Chronicles a lot back then. You mean a princess can refuse her royal duty and be what she wants to be after all and go on quests even then? Holy shit, this was a revelation. I have room in this world after all!
There was still one problem though.
There were feelings in me, actions I was performing, things I was saying I did not recognize what they were. I was still young and oh so confused. Why did I want to protect and save women so much? Why did I want to dance with Celes, have her sing to me, and marry her? Why did I want to take a wife and not a husband? Women like men, right? And so, I forced myself for a while to try to act that way and be that way. After all, all the women I saw being heroes still were either single or had male love interests. Is that the only way I could be a lady knight?
Yeah, subtext exists in a lot of things, but you can't expect a kid, no matter how smart I could be, to pick up on that for years to come. I needed more blatant messages; I was still young. How much heartache and confusion and self-loathing would I have been spared if Celes and Terra's vague talks about finding love had been more blatant and they hugged, or even boldly kissed? Probably a lot. Not all of it, but it would have been so diminished that I'd have come to terms with my sexuality and attractions much sooner and much more completely.
It's not just me, either. There are kids, countless numbers of them, who feel homosexual or bisexual attractions or maybe even transgender right from the get go, or sometime before or after puberty. Just as cisgender and heterosexual people feel it from the get go and get cute kid crushes growing up, so do we. So did I. In 5th grade, I read up on the concept of knightly chivalry and decided I would adopt it. Why? To impress a girl in my class I only now recognize as me having had a crush on. I was too timid then to put it into action, but you see people of all shades doing such things to impress each other at a young age romantically. Once we get past the concept of cooties, we all act the same. It would have been nice to know and recognize what I was feeling and that it was okay.
But my heroes couldn't tell me that. Not as they were. It's not their fault. I'm sure if they could tell me themselves that it would be okay, they would have, but they're not real and could only show me as much as they could. What they did tell me I am forever grateful for. And if I am this grateful as an adult for the influences I had as a toddler or child, think of what it could do had some of them been queer in some way. And even if the kid didn't grow up on the queer spectrum, they'd at least gain a tolerance of people who are.
Heroes and role models and grand quests are important to anyone, regardless of source or genre. They shape most of us more than we think. I'm sure if you think long and hard about it, you'd come up with similar stories. I know why I do what I do is rooted in decisions made when I could first read.
So next time you find someone arguing against queer characters in media, especially children's media, ask them about their role models. What if they never had them? They'd be floundering trying to figure ourselves out still, and it'd be horrible to feel. I shouldn't have had to have waited until I was an adult to have this sorted; nobody should.
And now that I fully understand what it is Little Squire Atma wanted all her life growing up, I must live by it. And that includes taking a wife instead of a husband. She wouldn't want it any other way, and neither would I. I will be her hero and a hero for others regardless of whom or what they are so they can grow up with less struggle than I did. It's how a hero acts and what they're supposed to do.
I can't disappoint her now.
