The world can be so unkind. Here I am, on your journal and finally giving you the apology you deserved fifteen years ago. Only now, you're no longer here to see it.
Cowardice, shame, and anxiety froze me in my tracks whenever I thought to reach out to you again. We spoke for a few years after our romance ended, but circumstance led us to falling out of touch entirely. Coupled with other factors, my life had taken a particularly harsh turn with a mounting anxiety disorder. The more time that passed, the worse my regret became for how I handled our break up.
I eventually felt undeserving to reach out to you, though I never stopped thinking of you fondly in the years that followed. I'd think back on those long summer nights we spent on the phone, talking about everything beneath the stars until finally dawn came and we'd go to sleep, reluctantly.
But I was young and confused, and handled that confusion with the grace of a child. And honestly, for how young we were, we may as well have still been children. I didn't stop being confused about myself until I turned thirty, over ten years after our brief romance. And by then, that regret became so insurmountable that merely thinking of reaching out and apologizing to you nearly sent me into a panic.
But I grew too comfortable in the vision I had of you — of how you carried yourself, as though nothing would ever stop you except age itself. I kept thinking that maybe this year would be the one where I'd finally overcome my anxieties and do what needed to be done. You were so deserving of that apology. But I was never able to overcome my anxiety on my own and only recently started receiving help for it.
There aren't enough languages in the world to convey every apology I'd give for how gracelessly I handled our break up and your feelings. I regret it so utterly, and yet... I cannot regret the decision to end our romance. Had we not, you may never have met the wonderful people of whom you shared your love. And to me, that is an outcome of my gracelessness I'd never, ever wish to see undone.
I'm so sorry, Atma. I wish I'd handled it differently. That I had more grace. That I apologized sooner. That we could have remained in contact for more than just a few years following the end of our romance.
May you be at peace, and may your beautiful soul be remembered forevermore.
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Cowardice, shame, and anxiety froze me in my tracks whenever I thought to reach out to you again. We spoke for a few years after our romance ended, but circumstance led us to falling out of touch entirely. Coupled with other factors, my life had taken a particularly harsh turn with a mounting anxiety disorder. The more time that passed, the worse my regret became for how I handled our break up.
I eventually felt undeserving to reach out to you, though I never stopped thinking of you fondly in the years that followed. I'd think back on those long summer nights we spent on the phone, talking about everything beneath the stars until finally dawn came and we'd go to sleep, reluctantly.
But I was young and confused, and handled that confusion with the grace of a child. And honestly, for how young we were, we may as well have still been children. I didn't stop being confused about myself until I turned thirty, over ten years after our brief romance. And by then, that regret became so insurmountable that merely thinking of reaching out and apologizing to you nearly sent me into a panic.
But I grew too comfortable in the vision I had of you — of how you carried yourself, as though nothing would ever stop you except age itself. I kept thinking that maybe this year would be the one where I'd finally overcome my anxieties and do what needed to be done. You were so deserving of that apology. But I was never able to overcome my anxiety on my own and only recently started receiving help for it.
There aren't enough languages in the world to convey every apology I'd give for how gracelessly I handled our break up and your feelings. I regret it so utterly, and yet... I cannot regret the decision to end our romance. Had we not, you may never have met the wonderful people of whom you shared your love. And to me, that is an outcome of my gracelessness I'd never, ever wish to see undone.
I'm so sorry, Atma. I wish I'd handled it differently. That I had more grace. That I apologized sooner. That we could have remained in contact for more than just a few years following the end of our romance.
May you be at peace, and may your beautiful soul be remembered forevermore.