atma: ([SW] Eila - gpoy)
It's been two and a half months since I almost accidentally killed myself. I've been sober since; it's actually a lot easier to avoid alcohol than I thought it would be. Even walking by it at the store, especially in giant cheap plastic containers, makes me physically retch and reel and want to vomit. Now and again I miss beer with dinner but otherwise the pros of being sober far far far outweigh any potential jonesing to break it would cost me in the end.

Life is back to as close to normal as it could be. My moms have accepted me fully into their household once again and tell me stories of their own addictions and rehabs and it makes me feel somewhat okay again. We're renovating the house and I'm learning how to grow medicinal marijuana. I'm back at the dojo, reading more, and eating healthier. It's interesting.

However, I've become far, far more jaded and cynical as a result. I'm still mostly idealistic, but my ability to tolerate bullshit is at an all time low, and it's usually pretty low to begin with. I'm picking a lot more internet fights but while they're worthy causes usually I'm still being very aggressive and putting myself in the front. I find I care less and less about how others perceive me and my worth, what other peoples' problems are, and my tolerance for people in general is flipping on and off. I have a lot of residual guilt and it shows up in random bursts and manifests now and again as severe suicidal thoughts, so it's probably normal I'm taking it out on the world, and on myself mentally for putting everyone through that. Not healthy no, but normal.

It's going to have to be my new normal. Someday I may ease up on all this but there's also a chance what I did screwed myself up so much that this is a more permanent change is a bigger dose of apathy into my daily routine. All I can do is keep on keeping on and trying to stay constructive and distracted. I don't talk about it in public much outside of venting now and again like this, and I probably won't want to talk about it in public or in private for some time; please let me have this. I won't die or kill myself (it's my birthday next month I at least need to become old first before I die), I promise, but for a while don't be surprised if some days I just hole up with my girlfriend and sleep a lot as I try to reset myself. It could be a year or so for the more immediate symptoms to go away, but I could be stuck with some mental issues and guilt over it forever, if what my moms says is true. I just have to be better than it.

Getting used to me not caring about others and humanity in general as much as I used to is going to suck. It does suck now. I just want to fucking slap everyone and tell them their problems don't matter; not in a mean way but in a "don't waste your life like I almost did mine" way. Shut up, stop whining, you can make it. I'm still alive, for whatever godsforsaken reason that is, so I'm gonna make the most of it and you can too, and you didn't even have to be the one having a near death experience for it.

So what I'm saying is world, if I appear to be a bigger asshole than I've ever been, or am hiding from my usual internet hideout spots, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.

Okay, it's sometimes you, it can be a lot of you, but it's going to have to be me that deals with it.

Gods, I really fucking hate alcohol right now.


atma: (Default)
The Sunset Samurai

July 2017


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