atma: ([SW] Eila - gpoy)
Today I want to talk about my gender. It's not exactly something easy to talk about online now with how tumblr and other sites keep appropriating it into shit like Transkorean or Transautistic or what the hell ever imaginary problem they have now. But fuck that, I think it's something important to talk about now.

For a long time now I've identified as something in between bigender and genderqueer. I'm almost always okay being called female pronouns since I am in a woman's body and am used to it. But most days I honestly feel like a mix of both male and female and something else. Some days I feel entirely male. It depends. I'm lucky in that I experience very little physical dysphoria or dysmorphia related to it; almost all of it is centered around the fact I'd rather have a dick and a ripe set of balls instead of the vagina/uterus set of plumbing, but I can deal with it easily enough, and I don't think transitioning or surgery can give me what I want, so I just deal with it. But even then I didn't think this was quite the "right" label. Being in a female body most of the time doesn't bother me too much but I see it more of a means of functioning than who I am or anything relating to my identity; I put food in it and take good care of it but it's almost a shell to me.

I've toyed with the idea of identifying as a futa, but it's not a term really welcomed, despite the fact that I would only ever call myself it and never anyone else without them saying it first, it still carries bad connotations.

This all started when I was born pretty much. I identified heavily with male heroes and fighters in fiction I read in a child like knights and such. Before I formed an identity as a person or woman, I identified as a swordsman or warrior and was dead set on growing up to get a sex change already by the age of 5. That didn't pan out since that's not quite right either. But it's definitely the start of something.

And as we all know I'm a martial artist and swordsman. This is technically my job now and will lead to paying work down the line, sooner rather than later. This is what I could be known for and I think it's what I should be known for. It's what I feel most comfortable with and doing. I feel alive and like I'm actually good at it; something I very rarely feel doing most tasks is that sense of competency and correctness.

Recently, my girlfriend had me read a favorite manga of hers that I also wound up really really digging myself: Battle Angel Alita and its sequel, Last Order, aka GUNNM. In Last Order, there's a character named Sechs who is a replicant of the main cyborg heroine. Sechs is vicious and crude and lives for battle. They also start off in a female chassis and going by female pronouns but they eventually trade that for a male chassis and identity. Because. There's no real reason for it beyond he thought it'd be cool and help him fight. He has a small backup unit that's still female and can switch between them pretty easily. All of it for the love of fighting and becoming stronger. He also grills anyone on what it means to be a warrior more than any other aspect about them.

You can read about the character here but spoilers and such. I highly recommend reading both series though, with Last Order ending soon now is the time to catch up anyways.

But both my girlfriend and I found that he was the perfect allegory for how I feel and act about my own gender. Easily switches between, isn't really bothered by either body or identity, pretty much does it so they're at the best for fighting and training constantly. Sometimes you get lucky and fiction nails it so I can just point at this guy and go "This guy. Yeah. He's how I feel about this almost to a tee."

Neither fully male nor female, but built to fight and last. And if you ask me what I am, I'd say a warrior before I would say anything else.

So now I'm more inclined to say my gender is fight, as my girlfriend so eloquently put it once. If that doesn't make sense, then the whole bigender/genderqueer realm probably will, but on a whole for my individual self, this is probably the best way to put how I see myself physically and on a gender role or spectrum.

In the end I am Atma.

And I am good at fighting.

And so it shall be that from here on.

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The Sunset Samurai

July 2017

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