atma: ([TH] Youmu - Draw)
Atma(n) - n : A Hindu and Buddhist concept referring to the true nature of one's self. One's own essence. The real you that lies beyond comparing yourself to others.

The past few years I've been really busy trying to sort myself out as a person. There were a lot of unsavory catalysts for it and I realized I had to change if I wanted to be who I claimed I was and if I wanted to salvage any dignity or anything good about myself. I'm very nearly done with this and am doing a lot better nowadays. What helped is posting and ranting about my life and perspective as it started evolving. This is just a list of those posts for reference; I'm told they were interesting to read and helped others sort themselves out or give them closure in their own lives as well.

Take away whatever you like from it. I just hope it prevents someone from being as dumb as I once was or turning into what I am now.


A post about religion - I'm my own sect of Shinto. Here's a post explaining why I chose that and why the modern stereotypes about religion don't apply to me. Posted on 02/27/2012

A post about queer people in media - I probably would have turned out a lot better as an adult if people hadn't tried to pretend GLBT people didn't exist and trying to reinforce gender roles so hard. Posted on 07/05/2012

I was once obsessed with being a hero - It was stupid. I wound up craving death and pain a lot. Contains spoilers for Madoka Magica. Posted on 07/17/2012

I'm mad about stereotypes about martial artists - People have a lot of really really harmful misconceptions about what it is I do. Stop that. Posted on 07/24/2012

I wanted to grow up to be a swordsman - And I did. Your dreams are not unattainable, no matter how ridiculous it may seem at times. I can't believe I've been doing this for two years now. Posted on 08/30/2012

Gender is really stupid - I weighed in on the Naoto Shirogane debate using my own gender dysphoria as reference. Contains spoilers for Persona 4. Posted on 01/13/2013

What makes someone admirable? - I read ancient Buddhist treatises on swordsmanship and samurai for class and use it to ponder my own station in life. Posted on 02/08/2013

In which a hero dies and something better takes its place - Reflections of my own obsession with heroism and knighthood and why it's better I left the idea of a noble death/martyring myself behind. Contains spoilers for Fate/Stay Night. Posted on 04/30/2013.

Chivalry and what drives me forward now - A post about my own personal philosophies and how I try to treat others despite the fact I call it chivalry and it being so widely misunderstood. Posted on 05/18/2013.

Sympathy for the Devil - Now that I've stopped wanting to be a heroic martyr, I've been trying to live fully and freely. It makes me a selfish, defensive, survivalist asshole a lot of the time. Unfortunately, this has earned me enemies. My current self is a lot like Ymir, in that sense. Contains spoilers for Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyoujin. Posted on 08/07/2013.

Closure - And one last post, talking about my fucked up life. I've experienced so much neglect and abuse it's a surprise I came out a halfway decent person at all. This details everything that happened to me growing up and is not an easy read, but it should explain to people why I wound up the way I did and why I've come to such conclusions about my life. You should probably read everything else before this one. I did it because I knew nobody else involved would give me closure on all of this now that I've grown up and re-evaluated myself, so I let myself do it. Posted on 08/01/2013.

This is hopefully all I ever need to say or do. I'm a lot better now and with some more minor adjustments I'll be able to reverse all the damage done to me.

There is no moral to all of this beyond life sucks. Shit sucks. It doesn't get automatically better; all of this has been harrowing and frightening to work through beyond measure. I can see why a lot of people don't like doing it. But I'm so much better now in the span of about 3 years or so that hey

maybe there is hope.

I've been through my own hell, my own wars. But I always survived. Somehow. And maybe that's all I need to do.

Because I'm nothing if not a stubborn, determined optimist now.

So believe. In yourself. In others. In something. Because that's the only way we're getting out of this hell that is existence alive.

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The Sunset Samurai

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